a letter - some reflections on being temporarily disabled
january 23, 2010
yes, thanks for asking my leg is mending as is my mind-body-soul.
every day is different i can not put myself into the box of my abilities of the day before because i appear to be in a dynamic state of flux. quite a practice in being in the now. this flu-cold thing is finally on the way out and as it is exiting my body i have more energy and stamina to crutch around, more than i have so far.
today i took the ttc to caro's workshop - 4-5 blocks of crutching 70 stairs 2x at dovercourt house. 20 stairs 2x on the ttc. and standing upright waiting for the bus for 20 min at the bus stop. none of which i could have done two days ago or when i had my monster purple cast on. i couch danced in caro's class (and got to write too). so there are changes - no more painkillers at night - two nights without. it's all good and i have inadvertently nestled up to my mortality and my vulnerability. i feel teary over my new found awareness of the razor's edge upon which we all tread with our health and happiness. everything is so fleeting. there are no guarantees - no matter how much preparation and healthy living i had been doing - it did not protect me from a lapse in awareness where i slipped both into a daydream and then onto the pavement. i'm not sure how to fully express what is going on in me but i did not have this experience when i was a teenager nor eleven years ago (two other times i was on crutches and cast/brace for 3-5 months respectively). the tenuousness, the precariousness of our lives feels acutely palpable to me. i haven't journeyed to the, 'so live for the moment' bit yet. i have been residing in the tissue paper that lines the bottom of the trampoline that we jump upon and seeing that tears are a lot more common than i knew. it does not take much to tear tissue paper nor does it take much to tear the lining of my heart or of the life that i had been living. is it the frailty of my assumptions that is shaking me up? have i relied too heavily on the scaffolding of my beliefs and stories? abiding by them as if they were true? i'm not sure what it is, but i know that i don't know. i know that nothing is certain - that nothing stays the same - nothing. not even concrete built into haitian house walls. i am wanting to articulate this piece that is hovering in me. i feel present and tender like an earth worm in the arizona sun. being warmed and a moment too long, scorched... this is where i am right now. thanks for listening. valerie
january 23, 2010
yes, thanks for asking my leg is mending as is my mind-body-soul.
every day is different i can not put myself into the box of my abilities of the day before because i appear to be in a dynamic state of flux. quite a practice in being in the now. this flu-cold thing is finally on the way out and as it is exiting my body i have more energy and stamina to crutch around, more than i have so far.
today i took the ttc to caro's workshop - 4-5 blocks of crutching 70 stairs 2x at dovercourt house. 20 stairs 2x on the ttc. and standing upright waiting for the bus for 20 min at the bus stop. none of which i could have done two days ago or when i had my monster purple cast on. i couch danced in caro's class (and got to write too). so there are changes - no more painkillers at night - two nights without. it's all good and i have inadvertently nestled up to my mortality and my vulnerability. i feel teary over my new found awareness of the razor's edge upon which we all tread with our health and happiness. everything is so fleeting. there are no guarantees - no matter how much preparation and healthy living i had been doing - it did not protect me from a lapse in awareness where i slipped both into a daydream and then onto the pavement. i'm not sure how to fully express what is going on in me but i did not have this experience when i was a teenager nor eleven years ago (two other times i was on crutches and cast/brace for 3-5 months respectively). the tenuousness, the precariousness of our lives feels acutely palpable to me. i haven't journeyed to the, 'so live for the moment' bit yet. i have been residing in the tissue paper that lines the bottom of the trampoline that we jump upon and seeing that tears are a lot more common than i knew. it does not take much to tear tissue paper nor does it take much to tear the lining of my heart or of the life that i had been living. is it the frailty of my assumptions that is shaking me up? have i relied too heavily on the scaffolding of my beliefs and stories? abiding by them as if they were true? i'm not sure what it is, but i know that i don't know. i know that nothing is certain - that nothing stays the same - nothing. not even concrete built into haitian house walls. i am wanting to articulate this piece that is hovering in me. i feel present and tender like an earth worm in the arizona sun. being warmed and a moment too long, scorched... this is where i am right now. thanks for listening. valerie
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